The X Factor (ITV1)
I know I have, in my time, been quite scathing of Simon Cowell — calling him variously “The Fourth Horseman of the Cultural Apocalypse”, “Darth Vader with a £5 Mr Topper’s haircut”, “The karaoke Napoleon” and “the most powerful div in the world” — but, these days, I’m starting to feel a bit, as my daughter would say, sorry of him.
The point of Cowell is that he must know everything. Control all. Be able to spot the future — then sell it to us with a cheery: “Here you go, D2 peasant. That’s £1.50 to vote from a landline — mobile networks may vary — £9.99 for the album, and I’ll be back to stuff you 30 nicker per ticket