Please complete this question. You must select 1 answer(s).

You get to the beach

Just as soon as the kids are ready to leave. Usually around lunchtime

When the sun comes out

When the swell’s up

At the crack of dawn

Shortly after I’ve parked the car

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You set up your base

Close to the toilets

Where everyone can see me

As far from the rips as possible

What base?

In a nice deckchair

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Essential kit includes

Buckets, spades, windbreaks, games, nappy bag, garish inflatables, plenty of cash

Coppertone

Dr Zog’s Sex Wax

The relevant OS map

A nice flask of tea

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Your typical day consists of

Building sandcastles, drying tears, running back and forth to the toilets, choking back a rising sense of panic

20 minutes on my back, 20 minutes on my front, repeat

Paddling out, ripping it up and sucking my gut in as I strut back across the beach. And repeat.

Trying not to be cut off by the tide

Reading the paper. And maybe a nice nap

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Your typical beach meal is

Melted ice cream, Anadin and Petit Filous

Evian

Four pasties and a three pints of Doom Bar

Foraged shellfish and hand-caught crabs, cooked over a driftwood fire

Some nice homemade sandwiches

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You prefer

Soft sand, rock pools and a safe stream crossing the beach

Spectators

A glassy right hand point break

Wicking fabrics

A nice view

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You like to leave

About an hour after we’ve arrived, when the kids melt down

If the sun goes in

Last

Only footprints

Nice and early, so we can avoid the traffic

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You tell your friends

It was a nightmare, but it’ll be better next year

It must have been 30 degrees out there

It was gnarly, man, and I was, like, totally stoked

Wonderful views, but the waymarking left something to be desired

It was nice

See our 50 best British beaches for 2015 here

Please complete all of the questions.

Hassled parent

Description of image You will make sure your children have golden seaside holiday memories to treasure, even if it kills you. Yes, it’s all pretty ghastly right now, but they’ll thank you eventually. Just wait 20 years or so. You’ll find other members of your tribe smiling through gritted teeth at Southwold, Treyarnon and Viking Bay.

Sun worshipper

Description of image Have you never heard of fake tan? Apparently not: you are dedicated in your search for the real thing. It’s deeply unhealthy — but, on the plus side, the British weather usually ensures you don’t get enough sun to do real damage. You’ll find other members of your tribe self-basting at Tenby and West Wittering.

Neoprene cowboy

Description of image Your partner is resigned to the fact that a seaside trip involves driving from beach to beach to beach, pausing only to check the Magic Seaweed app for up-to-date swell reports. You spend a fortune on parking in pursuit of that perfect wave, and even more on T-shirts. You also comb lemon juice into your hair to get those California streaks. We know. We’ve seen you doing it at Marloes, Porthtowan and Sango Bay.

Hairy hiker

Description of image Beaches are those sandy things that link up the coastal path. Stick to the wet stuff, it gives better grip. You’ll find other members of your tribe yomping across Cockle Strand, Portheras and Vault Beach.

Deckchair warrior

Description of image Now, have you packed your Thermoses? One for the tea, one for the soup. If you’re feeling adventurous, you could roll up your trousers and go for a paddle later. And if you’re feeling naughty, an ice cream from the cafe on the prom. They do proper Cornish, you know. You’ll find your tribe having a nice time at Weymouth, St Ives and Ventnor.

Answers

You get to the beach

You set up your base

Essential kit includes

Your typical day consists of

Your typical beach meal is

You prefer

You like to leave

You tell your friends