You get to the beach
Just as soon as the kids are ready to leave. Usually around lunchtime
When the sun comes out
When the swell’s up
At the crack of dawn
Shortly after I’ve parked the car
You set up your base
Close to the toilets
Where everyone can see me
As far from the rips as possible
What base?
In a nice deckchair
Essential kit includes
Buckets, spades, windbreaks, games, nappy bag, garish inflatables, plenty of cash
Coppertone
Dr Zog’s Sex Wax
The relevant OS map
A nice flask of tea
Your typical day consists of
Building sandcastles, drying tears, running back and forth to the toilets, choking back a rising sense of panic
20 minutes on my back, 20 minutes on my front, repeat
Paddling out, ripping it up and sucking my gut in as I strut back across the beach. And repeat.
Trying not to be cut off by the tide
Reading the paper. And maybe a nice nap
Your typical beach meal is
Melted ice cream, Anadin and Petit Filous
Evian
Four pasties and a three pints of Doom Bar
Foraged shellfish and hand-caught crabs, cooked over a driftwood fire
Some nice homemade sandwiches
You prefer
Soft sand, rock pools and a safe stream crossing the beach
Spectators
A glassy right hand point break
Wicking fabrics
A nice view
You like to leave
About an hour after we’ve arrived, when the kids melt down
If the sun goes in
Last
Only footprints
Nice and early, so we can avoid the traffic
You tell your friends
It was a nightmare, but it’ll be better next year
It must have been 30 degrees out there
It was gnarly, man, and I was, like, totally stoked
Wonderful views, but the waymarking left something to be desired
It was nice
See our 50 best British beaches for 2015 here
Hassled parent
You will make sure your children have golden seaside holiday memories to treasure, even if it kills you. Yes, it’s all pretty ghastly right now, but they’ll thank you eventually. Just wait 20 years or so. You’ll find other members of your tribe smiling through gritted teeth at Southwold, Treyarnon and Viking Bay.
Sun worshipper
Have you never heard of fake tan? Apparently not: you are dedicated in your search for the real thing. It’s deeply unhealthy — but, on the plus side, the British weather usually ensures you don’t get enough sun to do real damage. You’ll find other members of your tribe self-basting at Tenby and West Wittering.
Neoprene cowboy
Your partner is resigned to the fact that a seaside trip involves driving from beach to beach to beach, pausing only to check the Magic Seaweed app for up-to-date swell reports. You spend a fortune on parking in pursuit of that perfect wave, and even more on T-shirts. You also comb lemon juice into your hair to get those California streaks. We know. We’ve seen you doing it at Marloes, Porthtowan and Sango Bay.
Hairy hiker
Beaches are those sandy things that link up the coastal path. Stick to the wet stuff, it gives better grip. You’ll find other members of your tribe yomping across Cockle Strand, Portheras and Vault Beach.
Deckchair warrior
Now, have you packed your Thermoses? One for the tea, one for the soup. If you’re feeling adventurous, you could roll up your trousers and go for a paddle later. And if you’re feeling naughty, an ice cream from the cafe on the prom. They do proper Cornish, you know. You’ll find your tribe having a nice time at Weymouth, St Ives and Ventnor.
You get to the beach
You set up your base
Essential kit includes
Your typical day consists of
Your typical beach meal is
You prefer
You like to leave
You tell your friends